Student. That is a hat I intend to wear for my entire life. I’m a student by nature, even if I’m not enrolled in a particular program. My desire to learn has been cranked up to full blast these past few weeks. Inconveniently, my thirst for reading has been intensified with the discovery that my kindle decided it had lived long enough. Fortunately, the team I’m with for this week brought several physical copies of books with them for the journey and consequently, I’m reading several at once. Love Does and Passion & Purity. I highly endorse each.
In the past few years, I’ve been going through a major self-awareness and identity journey. What’s interesting is that the more I learn about myself, the more I become aware of just how little I actually know. What may seem like truth in one season can quickly become a crumbling foundation in need of a serious remodeling in the next. How is that possible? Because there is always more freedom to be had. Always. No, but really, there is ALWAYS MORE FREEDOM TO BE HAD.
One quote that stuck out to me from Love Does is this:
“The challenge that comes into sharp relief is whether we are willing to give up all we have to follow Him, to know God. Are we willing to trade up? It’s a question worth asking because the answer will shape your life one way or the other.”
It can be easy to reference the Bible story about the young ruler who was told by Jesus to sell all he had to follow Him. There are definitely times when we are asked to take a leap of faith with finances (often in an anonymous way), but I think the quote speaks to something bigger. Going out to the mission field makes it easy for people to commend me for giving up so much of my life and belongings to do what the Lord is asking of me.
Here’s the deal: the field is a place that makes me come alive and even in the midst of that, the Lord is inviting me to trust Him more deeply. We constantly have intense fellowship about the giving back of my time, thoughts, desires, relationships, talents, and so much more. Some might call that entitlement on my end. “It’s my free day Lord, I don’t feel like living out a lifestyle of missions today. Tomorrow? Yes, I’ll definitely be more available to act tomorrow since it’s my timing.”
Over and over and over again He asks, “Do you trust me?” For a brief period, I felt a sense of victory because He started telling me that He trusts me to trust Him. When I heard that, I felt like I made it. The victory was short-lived because we went back to the “Do you trust me?” stage, but this time on a bigger scale. That should feel encouraging, to have graduated to bigger things, right? Then why does it feel like a punishment most of the time? I want to ask Him to take me back to those conversations where He only asked the little things of me, when it felt like I had more control of well, everything. In His patient way, He reminds me that I did not sign up for something like that. I want the real, authentic deal of giving my life fully to Jesus (beyond what others may think is enough), because I know that my relationship with Him is, without question, the best thing about me.
“At the precise point where we refuse, growth stops. If we hold tightly to anything given to us, unwilling to let it go when the time comes to let it go or unwilling to allow it to be used as the Giver means it to be used, we stunt the growth of the soul. It is easy to make a mistake here. ‘If God gave it to me,’ we say, ‘it’s mine. I can do what I want with it.’ No. The truth is that it is ours to thank Him for and ours to offer back to Him, ours to relinquish, ours to lose, ours to let go of – if we want to find our true selves, if we want real Life, if our hearts are set on glory.”
–Passion & Purity–
So convicting. I’ve seen this play out in matters very close to my heart in this season of life, but also, just with how I live. I gave my life to Jesus and willingly, even excitedly, agreed to travel the world with Him to share His love. I have yet to master the idea of keeping my fists un-clenched, giving back all that I think is mine, in order to receive greater amounts of Him. Closed fists cannot receive anything new. Any good gift that is received without a willingness to return it to the Giver becomes stifled because it’s squeezed so tightly in my hands.
Why do I do this? Why do I continually put my student hat on to meet failure far more often than I meet success? Why do I choose to try and live out this lifestyle of always being on mission, no matter where I am? Why do I follow Jesus when I feel like nothing in my life is safe from Him asking for it?
“Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
-C.S. Lewis-
The truth, hope, and trembling that come from that quote! So, why do I do all of those things? Because I know the truth, that anything He may have for me far surpasses anything I deem to be incredible in the present time. I will continue trusting in the lifestyle He’s asking me to choose, knowing that while He may not be safe, He is a king worth following, and who always comes through. Alright, Lord, trusting in the lifestyle it is.
