As of last Monday, I started going through the Insanity work-out program.  It has been both empowering and humbling, exhausting and energizing, and both physical and spiritual. I've officially gotten in the rhythm of waking up early, chugging water, working out, and then reading my Bible.  For someone who likes routine, it has been glorious.  

The first week of all of this exercise, I looked at it as purely a physical endeavor.  Time to get back into shape and live the natural endorphin life!  As things have progressed, I've started to realize that this is more than just about a physical battle.  The struggle through the sweat and gasping for air has started to bring things up that I need to work on in my spiritual life.  

Guess what my gut reaction was to that?

NOT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was as cute and receptive to that as you can imagine. I'll admit, I was mad.  Really, some of these same things that I've walked through are coming up again, but from a different angle?  Lord, how many times do we have to talk about this until I get it???  Why can't I just be done, move on, and be mature in this? How could this possibly still be part of our conversations?

Surprise, surprise, even in my tantrums, the Lord's character remains consistent and He is kind to me. He suggested that I ask Him what He's teaching me. After tasting humble pie for not having thought of that sooner, He reminded me of a line in a podcast I listened to recently that said, "Life is not a problem to be solved, it is a game to be optimized." The entire premise, at least my perception, is when self-awareness and discovery become a priority, there may be a period where it feels like the self is the enemy that needs to constantly be refined.  

The Lord wanted me to recognize the fact that I'm ready for new levels of self-awareness.

But that doesn't mean who I am is the problem.  He's refining me and making me more me with each new level.  

Also, the fact that similar problems are coming up does not mean I'm reverting back to my old self.  Far from it!  It means my pursuit is different. 

The book of the Bible that I've paired with Insanity is Romans, in particular, Romans 6 hit home for me in my discussions with the Lord.  It talks about no longer being slaves to sin, but rather slaves to righteousness.  The way my mind translated that was I'm no longer fighting my old self.  That's gone.  What I'm battling is this new set of standards and excellence that I and the Lord have set for my life.  Now, I'm no longer as ignorant of my short-comings.  I'm aware, which means I have more of a responsibility to recognize (or listen to promptings from Holy Spirit) when my walk no longer aligns with my standards.   

As the podcast says, life is a game to be optimized.  I'm no longer trying to solve the problem of the self because the old self is gone.  I'm now free to optimize the new self I've been given.  

Here's to the next Insanity work-out.  Time to optimize!