Hey all, it’s been quite a while since I’ve written. Truth be told, I’ve sat down to write this several times and the words just haven’t come. Hopefully this time proves more successful!
Update: For those that don’t know, I’m officially on staff with Adventures in Missions as an Ambassador Mobilizer, which means I spend my day recruiting and helping prepare high schoolers for their summer trips which range from 2-4 weeks! I’m truly excited to be in this position because I know how much the high school years can impact someone down the road. The Ambassador program can be a stepping stone into missions as well as things like the World Race and Gap Year. It’s amazing to hear the stories of how the Lord is speaking to the Ambassadors, and it honestly makes me a little envious that I wasn’t at that level when I was in high school!
For those that have been with me for the long haul, I have had several blog sites with Adventures: World Race, CGA, Gap Year squad leading, and now that I am on staff, this is my new official staff blog! Yay! If you received this in your inbox, you do not have to do anything different, but in case you’re among the extremely observant few, the new official url is caseybaxter.myadventures.org.
Now to try and put some of my thoughts about this engagement season into words.
Ronny and I had the added element in our relationship of spending most of our dating life apart which meant that when we were reunited and beginning our engagement season, there was a number of pieces to each other that we needed to re-learn. Suffice it to say, it wasn’t the simplest transition.
Real talk.
I’m not a bride who thinks wedding planning is the funnest thing ever, and I certainly have no intention of becoming a wedding planner once the day has come and gone. With the transition back from the field, engagement, moving, starting a new job, and wedding planning all rolled together, I was absolutely in over my head for a while (and maybe sometimes still am). What didn’t help matters was that Ronny and I had many things to work out together. I’m a harmony/peace person and hard discussions, at least in the midst of them, are the opposite of peace. It left me feeling pretty discouraged.
Here’s something that I wish people would talk more openly about: engagement is HARD. It’s a season that, by its very nature, is transitional. There’s a reason it doesn’t last forever and marriage does. To be anticipating joining two lives together, but not be fully released to implement that is one heck of a difficult balance. I’ve felt like there’s been this constant battle within myself of clawing for independence and wanting Ronny to just get how I think but also very much wanting to lean into him with understanding and unity. I’m certain those who are married will chuckle and tell me the battle doesn’t ever fully stop, but at least with marriage, you’ve vowed to be in it with both feet firmly planted on the unity side. Of course there’s grace when you step over the line to independence, but with engagement, it’s a strange sensation of “I’m anticipating I’m going to vow to do this, but I’m not obligated under a holy covenant yet.” The temptation to keep one foot in each camp (or even both in independence) is very very real. I’ve become so aware of my selfishness and feel like a broken record with how frequently I’ve needed to humble myself and apologize to Ronny.
I’ve cried more this season than I have in most other seasons of life. I’ll 100% attribute that to the fact that I’m not a fast transitioner, and I’ve set myself up to need to transition quickly and in most areas of my life. The tears have made me doubt whether I’ve made the right choices. One of the most unintentionally difficult statements people have made to me during this season is this: “Enjoy every minute. It should be fun.” There have been a number of variations from well-meaning people who care about me, but it’s just not the truth. I have absolutely had moments of pure joy, celebration, and fullness. I’m not surprised the Lord gave me the word savor because it can be easy to let those rich moments flit by without acknowledgement. Savoring is a helpful reminder, just like someone encouraging me to enjoy the season is helpful in its way.
What I wish someone had said to me would sound more like this:
“Fight to celebrate. Fight to enjoy this season. In fact, choose to enjoy it even when it’s hard and all you want to do is bang your head against the wall. SURPRISE! This isn’t the euphorically joyful season that movies or society portray. The very fact that you have had tears and many challenging discussions with your fiancé is a GOOD thing. It means you’re not walking blindly into marriage. You’re aware that you are both human beings who are sinners, but the presence of those discussions is evidence that the relationship and marriage are more than worth fighting for. Embrace the messiness of a transitional season. There’s nothing wrong with you or your relationship if this season has brought challenges. You can still enjoy the good moments, but also accept the challenging ones. Have grace. For yourself and your fiancé.”
I’ve prayed a lot about all of this. One encouragement the Lord gave me that proved to be extremely helpful was the engagement season is like a difficult labor. Every challenging discussion is like a contraction, and we are working towards meeting our baby, which is our marriage. Yeah, that’ll work. It seems fitting that Ronny’s best man just became a dad as well. Labor and contractions and new life abound.
I’m writing all of this now, not because I’m concerned, rather, I want to give the engagement season some honest words. The longer I’ve been in it, the more both current and recent brides have acknowledged a similar experience. My saving grace has been to go back to the beginning and remember who brought Ronny and I together to begin with: the Lord. He knew He was inviting two almost completely opposite people to join together and be strong where the other is weak. We’ve experienced moments of how great it is to balance one another and I’m excited for even more.
8 days and counting!!!
