Two and a half weeks have passed since returning from the field, and I’m already in my fourth state. Georgia (for a night), Michigan, Ohio (also for a night), and now, Pennsylvania (with my fiance and his family because I also now have a fiance…what?! :)). I’ve been fortunate to have more time to just be than I was anticipating with getting home. When I was a student, it would always take me a few days to fully let that tightly coiled spring inside of me unwind and allow myself to breathe. 9 months of squad leading with being available 24/7 to the participants I think caused the spring to get coiled more tightly than it has ever been, even though I loved my squad more than words can express. This extra time has given me the space to interact with parts of my heart and mind that got a little beat up along the way. One of my constant battles throughout my 9 months of leadership for Gap Year was the struggle of being human. I do not enjoy it. Humans are limited and while leading, I felt like my limitations were more often than not on display, leaving me occasionally feeling like I was never quite enough. There was never enough time, with teams, for one-on-one conversations, interacting with hosts, to take a genuine Sabbath…though time was the limiting factor, I felt like it was attached to my humanity, leaving me feeling like the large amounts I poured out weren’t enough. The thing is, I’m only just now realizing that’s what I was truly feeling.
It should come as no surprise that the feeling of not being enough would follow me home because I never was able to truly identify why being human irritated me so much. The feeling is different here, though. Instead, I feel as if I’m living out of lack mentality rather than one of abundance. How easy is it to feel like I never get enough time with my family? Or in Michigan? Or celebrating? Life would feel so much richer if the perspective was shifted to viewing the nearly two weeks with my people as an amazing gift rather than not enough. While it is wonderful to love my humans so much that I always want more time with them, this response goes deeper than that. I feel the lack rather than the abundance.
Abundance over lack.
Regardless of the language or circumstances, leading or visiting home, the underlying rub is the feeling of not being enough.
Lame.
In a conversation with the Lord this morning, He took me through a series of circumstances on the field that were out of my control and yet, still left me feeling like I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t there for the squad when they needed (or maybe just wanted me to be). What a gift to have Gap I wanting me to be in their space! I wasn’t able to be there for my co-leader when she was in the hospital as much as I wanted to be or wasn’t able to travel to a team immediately or wasn’t able to have that extra one-on-one conversation because I was so dang tired from the medical emergencies that seemed unending in Malawi. Some of this had to do with perspectives. Though the revelations brought tears, the recognition of pain was accompanied by this sweet message from the Lord:
Sure, maybe I wasn’t enough, but then, that’s the point. I was never supposed to be enough. That unquenchable thirst we feel as humans, and often unknowingly seek to have satisfied by leadership, can only be met by an unending, unconditional love offered to us by our Father in heaven.
This morning, while He was helping me walk through some lingering pain of feeling limited (though that was actually an appropriate response to the majority of those tough circumstances) and occasionally misunderstood, what He was really showing me were the areas where we all needed to be seeking Him more because He could have met those needs. I was right to feel limited because He chose to allow me to be a vessel in a leadership role this year, but He did so fully aware of my humanity. He didn’t want me to meet every need. He just wanted me to abide with Him and allow the overflow to be what mattered. The rest, well, He clearly had it covered. And so much good happened as well. It’s alarming how easy it can be to focus on the negative (or lack) when the reality is the experience left an abundance of wonderful memories too.
None of the past 9 months was really about performance. Not to Him. There were times I loved hard and well, there were times I messed up, but my hope and prayer is that I maintained a sense of humility through it all. Being human and humility are deeply connected. I’m only just beginning to scratch the surface of all that the Lord did and as is the case with the end of most major life events, it is bittersweet in the best way.
So maybe I am limited. OK, well not maybe. I am limited. I am human. My squad even gave my a bracelet with the message “You are Our Human” (so kind) because I talked about the subject so frequently. I’m in the process of switching my mentality of having my humanity make me be not enough to being a choice of abundance over lack. Maybe the best place to be is to be abundantly lacking because then we can be certain the pesky pride business doesn’t show up and the Lord gets all the credit. Maybe we should really celebrate our humanity because then we can feel the freedom that our limitations bring. With that perspective, we’re never really lacking at all but just simply living. When I think of it that way, all I want to say is let me always be abundantly lacking. Because then, my humanity is a huge cause for celebration.
On the social agenda: a party to celebrate being human.
Who is with me?
